Bangkok Tour report 2005

As is customary at this time of year (they do call it the ‘silly season’), ISCI headed off to Bangkok to play hockey. Temperature - 34ºC, humidity - 90%, sunshine - relentless, breeze - nil, ground condition - hard, average age - 40yo, average body fat index (without Deny) - 0.83, average alcohol consumption the night before - various but counted in tens of litres, average sleep time - 4 hours, first game - 8.58am. Why, you might ask, do grown but not very sensible men do this to themselves ? Because we can, and we love it !

Having set off with much fear and trepidation (we were flying Air Asia for the first time), all doubts proved well founded when we learned that the baggage had not been tagged straight through to BKK but had to be collected after immigration in KL and a re-check-in exercise completed. Suffice it to say tempers frayed until the calming effects of amber waters could soothe tired travelers.

With Chris Wren flying solo, in many more ways than one, as the advance party (some would call it a ‘warm up act’), the more relevant tour members (those intending to actually play hockey) arrived later on Friday knowing that an 8.58 start had been scheduled. This would severely cut into the ‘working backwards’ theory of how much drinking time we had on the Friday night [i.e., 8.58 start; minus 10 minutes to warm up, insert contact lenses, find Twiggy, arrange keeper, have remainder of morning ablution; minus 15 minutes to the pitch; minus 10 minutes for breakfast; minus 15 minutes for shower and first half of morning ablutional; minus 8 minutes of scratching essentials, yawning, stretching, working out where you are, assessing head ache level; means wake up at 8.00am; minus 4 hours ‘must have’ sleep means x hours of drinking (given various start times)] This x factor then determines the pace at which you drink for the first half hour of the tour.

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We hit the Royal Bangkok Sports Club Polo Ground at 8.40, well ahead of a tight schedule, and assembled what can for the first time in many years be termed ‘an ISCI team’. Sure there were representatives from all over the place, but many had played in Jakarta and/or with ISCI before and with no need to scramble about for the usual collection of ISCI-wannabes, a less hurried lead up to the first game suggested ISCI greatness was nigh.

Game 1 v Kukum Uni 0 - 0

Alas it was grateness only as we stumbled and mis-hit our way around the course looking like dyslexic golfers. A game (actually against KCC it turned out) that could have been won, but at least we held firm in defence with Lyle getting a few touches, Twigg intimidating the much smaller opposition, and Suthee very safe. The early morning jog cleared many heads, and whilst we were a bit disjointed, Animal should have scored.

Game 2 v Chula 0 – 2

Matt got sick of waiting for the ball to ever be played on the right side of the field so moved into the middle, but Chris Wren at left half (one of the positions in life he has not previously tried) proved a constant foil to the opposition. The defence was under quite a lot of pressure but mostly survived and we still created chances with Mitch and Dan running around up front and Deny working tirelessly in midfield. Ken had run around like a chookless head but put one lovely pass through the legs of Mitch before the Chula onslaught had begun, and Animal should have scored.

The solution to our problems seemed obvious to Twiggy and he broke open the small keg of beer that he had on ice, and glasses of a well brewed nectar were passed around, instantly reviving livers, kidneys and memories.

Game 3 v Sathit Chula 4 – 0

‘Sathit’ apparently means High School so you can probably tell how old the opposition were. This was pitch one, the arena we had been waiting to play on – the crowd, the paparazzi, the lack of bumps. ISCI were so dominant Lyle didn’t touch the ball, nor did our long-haired keeper. Deny, Mitch and Dan all scored and there could have been many more. Newly recruited Walter (of Lindt chocolate and HK fame) was on the pitch for only 5 seconds before a goal presented itself on a platter. With all the ball in ISCI’s half and numerous short corners, the midfield of Ken, Deny and Matt drove the ball in often and the forwards Dan, Mitch, Animal and Walter did the rest. The defence had a game off. Comment of the weekend goes to Matt after the second goal went in following a draw, a defeat and numerous spurned chances –“Thank God that went in, I was beginning to think we were crap !”. With such dominance, quick passes into the D and the amount of times he saw the ball, Animal should have scored.

One big winner for the day was the new light-weight ISCI playing strip which absorbed the sweat, drained it downwards and dried quickly. We shall be investing in more of these as soon as Deny can negotiate the pricing with his client. So, only a 1-1-1 scoreline but a few smiling faces after goals had been scored.

The Saturday evening saw us dressed in ¾ leg red pants and bright yellow t-shirts that Mr Chris supplied (although the ‘one size fits all’ theory was never going to work when you have Mitch, Animal and Lyle in the squad). Even Lynne ‘Tour Tart’ Mitchell tried but failed to fit.

Game 4 v Natitas 2 – 0

And the familiar cry, so well known on the ISCI Bangkok tour for the first game on Sunday “Where’s Twiggy ?”. Mind you Matt didn’t show either and Dan was a tad late, so we conscripted Charles, Vic and Kevin from the Malaysian Police and set about the task of improving the performance to date. Headaches raged and it was 11.30, the heat of the day. But class will always show through and with sound defence, a midfield carrying the ball and forwards running around we created many opportunities. First goal was from a pas from Vic that Ken somehow managed to sweep (on grass ?) into the net. The second came from one of many short corners and another crossbat swipe from Ken that again defied Pythagorean logic and past history. With all the action in the 25, and a couple of great balls across the D from Mitch, Animal should have scored.

Game 5 v Old UTCC

In reality ‘Old’ may have been an exaggeration for our opposition but we suspect UTCC is a kindergarten and they had somehow graduated. Nevertheless, an athlete’s task is to deliver. And so we did. With Chris once again pretending to be injured but very vocal on the sidelines, Walter carried the left half duties and with Ken unable to stop, pass, or hit for some reason (not particularly associated with beer), the bulk of the work fell to Deny in midfield and Charles and Suthee at the back. Knowing that Animal was under severe pressure to score a goal (we were playing a strike duo that weighed in at about 220 kgs and moved as quickly as most glaciers), we elected to ‘feed’ him for the early part of the game. After a couple of mis-cued short corners, Deny carefully placed the ball at his feet and Animal took the most almighty swipe but only succeeded in topping the ball in the direction of Ken who tipped it in with a bottom edge. Not handsome stuff but ISCI were away. Dan and Mitch combined for some fine attempts down the right before Mitch finally took on the keeper and on the second attempt after a rebound, placed the ball home.

Probably never in the history of hockey has one player seen so much of the ball, swished, swiped and flailed at the ball but not scored in 20 full minutes. Despite an avalanche of opportunities, rolling around on the ground, and, on yet another failed short corner attempt, breaking a stick (not his own, as Animal had elected to attend this tournament without bringing a stick – we now know it was superfluous anyway), Animal in the end gave up calling for the ball. Animal should have scored !

Lyle played 20 minutes of hockey on Pitch 1 and touched the ball once (we suspect that was a mistake). After being interviewed by KiwiTV as part of the ISCI-razz matazz, Twiggy must have been detained signing autographs as he was, once again, a no-show, this time for the Sunday (he has in the past managed to miss turning up for the whole weekend). His contribution of a keg on Saturday will however be remembered. Walter just happened to be in Bangkok, turned up on the off chance of a game and struck a goal in about 5 seconds of his ISCI debut (contrast this to the Animal ‘minutes played, goals scored’ ratio and you have the Peter Crouch of ISCI hockey !).

ISCI topped F Group on goal difference (well, who’d have thought !) and took home the rather attractive trophy. We also picked up countless prizes from the raffle including Bacardi Breezers, JW Red Label, Asahi Beer and something called Leo’s Beer (probably lion piss), most of which we gave away for sensual favours on the night (actually the Leo scored a good phone number).

In all, a great weekend many thanks to all who participated and we hope to see you again next year, or at hockey tournaments around the region.

Squad :

Jakarta - Ken Allan, Chris Wren, Deny Fahruddin, Sri Suthee, ‘Paparazzi’ Tiwa Suthee

Singapore - Lyle Williams, Andrew Mitchell, Tour Tart Lynne Mitchell

Hong Kong – Animal Dave Slater, Walter Marthaler

Bangkok – John Twigg, Dan Lacy, Matt Baker, Nang - the Long-haired Keeper

KL – Vickneswaran, Kevin, Charles