RBSC 2004 Report

The Tour started pretty well for most of the committed tourists with the Gray family and Paul arriving in Bangkok on the Thursday, and Wren, Allan and Fahruddin casually meeting all deadlines. Unfortunately Denis the Menace pushed the envelope and arrived just after doors would have closed, but luckily enough the plane was also late so they got on. Suthee did his best to introduce us to Thai culture by picking us up at the airport and telling us to ‘turn left’ when we exited the airport doors. Quite opportunely for Thai Telekom he meant ‘the other left’ and it took 10 phone calls to find out where we were (terminal 2, to the left a bit) and another 10 calls to work out that he was at terminal 1. A breathless Suthee tried to explain how many ‘lefts’ there actually are in Thailand.

The usual mayhem ensued as Bangkok workers all departed via wheeled transport for the long weekend of the Kings Birthday and it took 1.5 hours to travel the 2 kms to the Royal Bangkok Sports Club from the Hotel, only to find out that for the first time in 10 years the venue for the Captains meeting was changed to the Polo ground. Chris, Mike, and Deny had wisely bailed out early and were standing in a pub for most of the 2.5 hours Ken, Paul and Nick were ‘en route’.

Game 2 v Shaheen 0-2

Shaheen from Hong Kong, first game ! Arief and 10 of his brothers (well they all looked the same from the back, and that is mostly all we saw). They are quality hockey players and we are quality drinkers. Even in our splendid, new, extra large-size, purple, Rp 27,000 t-shirts we could not stop the alcohol leaking from every ISCI pore, so Shaheen decided to stay well away and just run rings around us. Denis, Twiggy, Suthee, Deny and Richard defended bravely, our defence probably doing the best job of the tournament against the eventual winners of the whole show. Suthee’s long-haired goal keeper mate pulled off a couple of fantastic saves and we had frustrated them into abusing the umpires, themselves and finally us. Twiggy decided quite early in the tournament to resort to his old trick where you line up an opposition player, build up a bit of pace and just steam-roll him. The extended hand, palm open, is not saying “sorry mate, I’ll help you up”, it means “stay down there young fella, I meant it and I’ll only do it again”. Their second goal came just seconds before the end and was probably going wide by a meter until Deny kicked it into the goal. Mitch had not seen the ball, a beer was necessary.

Game 1 v Penang 1-0 (Nick)

This game was scheduled for 8.22am (we shall not forget that, Todd !) and Cap’n Kenny thought he had brokered a deal for neither Penang nor us to turn up and just do a boat-race at lunchtime to settle the score. But somebody forgot to tell Penang, so they were a bit miffed when we strolled in at 10.00 am for our ‘second’ game looking rather well rested. We found a slot vacated by a more intelligent team which had opted not to show up at all and the game was duly played at lunchtime. Little separated the two teams in terms of fitness, fatness, lethargy and hangovers and it took a piece of Cumbrian magic to separate the sides when Nick craftily angled his stick so that a hard shot in from Denis (or some other old bloke) flew into the goal. This was Chris Wren’s best game of the tourney, calculated by the ratio of traps to misses, and we actually played right-sided hockey several times. Cap’n Ken had to hand over the short corner push out job to Paul after a couple of laughable attempts that combined in power or distance would not have reached the top of the D. Penang pressed hard and forced some great saves from our long-haired keeper, with Richard, Twiggs, Denis and Deny defending gamely. They eventually rattled the backboard but the overly officious myopic umpire called it no goal (Denis did in fact confirm that Penang had not touched the ball inside the D).

This meant we were reduced once again to a boat-race for Penang to restore some dignity to a tired team façade, but alas Chris Wren’s spillage count was higher than the milliliters consumed and we won in a canter.

At some stage Nick must have fallen over as he had scratch marks/grass burns down one shin. This he decided needed even more serious medical attention than even Heineken can offer and he applied some SARS-inspired Hand Cleanser at the suggestion of Dr. Chris, who had time to read the bottle before Nick landed on earth again. Apparently 67% ethylalcohol really stings on open wounds !

Game 3 v Chula 0-0

ISCI controlled the game and had many chances but could not get on the scoreboard. Richard defended bravely and Nick tried to break a tile on the roof on the building over the road (only he called it a shot at goal). They were pretty good, but obviously so were we - can’t remember, no clue why we didn’t score but Chris said it was Deny’s fault (same as in the other games).

Game 4 v Navy 0-1

Our final game of the day and the last on the schedule (we shan’t forget that either Todd !) and the blood alcohol reading was quite a bit higher than the impaired IQ’s. We again controlled much of the game but couldn’t score (it was dark, we had been drinking) and they banged one in from a free hit that bounced off the keeper straight to their stick.

Saturday evening was mostly taken up with eating in Gullivers, watching soccer and entertaining the crowd that gathered when Mike Gray bought some flowers off a young street urchin. A late night visit to Soi Kowboi had Ken looking to the heavens after paying through the nose yet again while everyone else kept their heads down. A quiet night by ISCI standards.

Game 5 v ? 1-0 (Deny)

An 11am kick-off was grand, although an Achilles strain to Richard saw him unable to contribute other than to liquid intake, and the opposition looked suitably underskilled in the warm-up. We usually get several games like this so that we can carry our heads a little higher on the first day – hadn’t happened. After the first few minutes when Denis couldn’t stop, trap or even trip himself over to get out of the way, we were all over them with Paul steaming down the left, newbie Roger the Clog, controlling the right and everyone else in the centre trying to score goals. Kenny decided he would face the embarrassment of his pissweak hit/push outs and took the short corners and mostly they worked but no goal came. Denis decided that if he couldn’t get the ball, he would get the man, and duly clocked a young Thai hopeful on the head with his stick as he lifted it over him to indicate obstruction to the umpire. It was then that Captain Cush made history and subbed Chris off for Animal. A cruel blow, or a clever ruse ? A smartly-called push out from our 20^th short corner of the weekend to Paul, a pass straight across to Deny and the job was done. Nicholas tried yet again to hit a ball out of the ground (those standing further away may have called it a shot on goal) and it was ‘lost’ for a few minutes. Apparently Paul Blondie Tongue-stud was approached at the end of this game and told “thanks for the game, you are very handsome” (Chris has never been told this, not even in Bangkok, and was quite jealous).

Game 6 v ? 1-2 (Mitch)

Our final game and we were determined to go out with a bang. Sal had turned up with her fake Louis Vitton from the dodgy markets, we presumed full of lots of band-aids and Tiger Balme. We were on pitch one for the first time and the crowd of 3 really appreciated that we had come to entertain. ISCI piled on the pressure via Deny and Nick in the midfield and after several near misses a sweet pass from Deny found Mitch in the D and he swept it into the top left hand corner for a fantastic goal. 1-0 up after 5 minutes and apparently that’s when you are supposed to defend. But embued with the spirit Deny and Twiggs pressed ever forward leaving Denis pretty much alone at the back and the oppo snuck in for 2 goals in a few minutes while we weren’t paying attention (not for want of Denis’ yelling though). ISCI had more chances but young Gray’s attempts were wider than Mitch’s t-shirt.

As it turned out, Sunday was indeed the King’s Birthday and apart from a bit of lip-synch while thousands sang ‘Panjang Umurnya’ in Thai, the other noticeable effect on the Tour was that all the bars were shut. Why a benevolent patriarch closes things down rather than buy everyone a drink is a mystery, but the ISCI Legends are nothing if not resourceful. Forced to taste the luke-warm elephant urine that was handed out free, decisions were taken to maximise use of the Temporary Membership cards and buy chilled bottled Headache Water from the Club. This we did in great quantities forcing Uncle Ken to undo his pants several times (so he could open the bottles of Klosters on his belt buckle, silly). We supplemented this ingestion of alcoholic liquids with the odd shot of Blue Sapphire gin, even cheaper whisky, and some ‘arak’ that doubled as weed killer. Looking resplendent in our red hats (none of which actually fitted a head) we were once again overlooked in the ‘swap apparel’ game that normally follows the tournament dinner. Someone must have said something to someone some time ago and they all (about 500 Thais) now just avoid swapping anything with ISCI people. Animal on the other hand looked quite a catch in his skimpy (not on her) white spaghetti-strap singlet.

Having consumed copious quantities of mixed hangovers at the Club we then took a chance and headed for Soi Kowboi and lo’ and behold, in the darkness there was a light. Just one bar open and a few lonely Russian guys. Within minutes the ISCI ‘crowd’ had convinced the Penang boys to turn up and it was party-on. Songs were sung, some impromptu trouserless pole dancing was done, a few tall tales, a bit of pocket pissing, goals were scored in games we had never played, and everyone had a great time. Except, I suspect, the 4 lonely Russians who had been keen on approaching the one young butterfly sitting at the bar but she was suddenly swamped in a seething mass of beer-breathed hockey wankers and she was never seen again.

Another great Tour, although drinking between and during games can result in some memory loss (someone should make beer companies print that on bottles). Many thanks to all for participating (this was one of the best ever attendances by an ISCI team), playing, drinking, arranging, etc. Action shots and team photo courtesy of M.F Grey Real Close-ups Inc. to follow.

Touring team :

Denis Cush; Ken Allan; Chris Wren; Deny Fahruddin; Sri Suthee; Andrew Mitchell; John Twigg; Richard Mathias; Nick Gray; Paul Henthorne; David Slater (Animal); Roger the Cloggy; Long haired keeper; Suthee’s mate; Suthee’s other mate; Mike Gray (camera); Angela Cush (nursing).