What you have to understand about an ISCI performance
at any hockey tournament is the initial level of the goals we set. They are often quite low and appearances in any
form of “final” or the acquisition of any piece of household/kitchenware or
silver service implements is most definitely never included in the tour
planning and strategy.
This then helps define the ‘success’ of any such
hockey tour as relative to (i) those attending, (ii) those press ganged into
service, (iii) the perceived standard of hockey of those playing against us,
(iv) the amount of near misses, almost goals, “we should have won that one”s
and ‘at least we were competitive’ games.
Thursday
People straggled into Hong Kong at all hours and
with the usual amount of good planning and synchronized communications we
managed to miss the Southwoods at the Sportsmans Club Bar. Given that Steve and Deny had been off to
the back blocks of Shenzen, got lost, almost got arrested and had to stand in
trains for two hours, their humour was sorely lacking. Haesley Cush’s plane was severely late so he
was running behind expectations already and as Ken had managed to get waylaid
on some ‘tour essential recuperative facilities research’ the whole damned
thing just started to unravel. A
relatively quiet night of personal introspection ensued, after the obligatory
few ales to calm the nerves (purely for medicinal purposes).
Friday
The Captain’s Meeting at 9.30am came and went with
Cap’n Ken still in bed. But safe in the
knowledge that the schedule, tactics, strategies, sledging, substitutions, team
strip and alcohol content had all been settled the night before over beers in
the Sportsmans Bar and countless SMS messages.
Game 1 v
Owls 2 – 0
First up games are always a bit of a lottery but not
all of the ISCI squad had been out on the turps the night before and youthful
exuberance shone through. Several
chances were created against a bunch of geriatrics on Prozac but it was left to
the opposition keeper to kick the ball across the line after Cat swiped towards
goal and then Haesley deflected into the keepers pads. As the umpires were checking their watches
at that time we claimed a “girlie goal” and it was duly awarded to Cathrine.
Game 2 v
KCC Crusaders 1 – 2 (1 girl
goal)
Apparently quite an even game, although it felt like
we were on the defensive a lot and Eleni acquitted herself well at the
back. Haes scored but a well taken
chance (one of very few) saw the KCC Kids (their average age doesn’t even equal
the number of players in a rugby team) shade a very spirited ISCI side with the
aid of some questionable umpiring that was commented on by both sides (although
they didn’t use cussin’ words).
At one stage Haesley Q was through and set to take on the keeper when
the whistle was blown. Apparently it
was our ball back at the 25 where he had originally picked up the ball. Grate stuff.
Game 3 v
Hoppers B 7 – 0
The Grasshoppers of Switzerland had come a long way
to play against ISCI Hockey, but playing their third 20 minute game in 2.5
hours the ISCI Machine was Mean (and in pretty good form). With Cathrine electing to play AGAINST us,
we conscripted Frederika from the Shanghai team and told her to stand up front. This she liked immensely and provided a
focal point that resulted in Haesley slotting 4 goals after being on the end of
some good set up passes from Ken. Dodgy
even squeezed in for one, racing down from the backline, elbowing forwards out
of the way and slamming one against the backboards. Cerys, having had a couple of great games on the right wing but
seemingly a bit wimpy about hitting the ball at ‘the poor goal keeper’, was set
up for a push in goal, this unfortunately bounced off the poor keeper straight
back to her so she lifted it over the poor keeper (now resting at her
feet). With the ball creeping
inexorably towards the line (keeper still resting) Haesley did what any good
team mate would do and tapped it in then ran screaming back to the center line
arms raised. So much for Cerys’ goal
!
Then Frederika got involved – but let me tell you
about that one ! Cerys, obviously upset
with her previous attempts being usurped, contrived to set herself up for yet
another assault on goal down the right wing.
This time there was a little more venom as she ‘attacked’ the poor
keeper, but the ball bounced off the post, behind the advancing keeper, right
into the middle of the goal, at snail’s pace, and right into the path of ace
goal sneak, Haesley Q. Cush, our in-form scoring machine. And boy did he punish that ball ! The air going past it as he attempted to
drill a hole through the backboard was probably typhoon pace. But that was all that happened - air ! So Fred stepped up (the keeper by this stage
is 2 meters away and just a spectator, as was Haes). She calmly flicked the ball into the net to show us all how it
should be done.
With everything working so well a short corner was
expected to be a forgone conclusion.
Strategies previously worked out were nodded and winked about, code
words mumbled and positions assumed. A
tense moment followed as Ken carefully weighed up the wind factor, the weight
of the ball, the angle of the dangle, the friction co-efficient of the now dry
plastic, the distance to Haesley, the expected speed of said projectile at
point of delivery, and so on and so forth.
But, it was argued vehemently later, it was indeed the drag co-efficient
and a completely tosspot push-out that traveled approximately 18 inches and
came to a complete stop before anyone reacted and tried to get the ball, that
earned said Captain a big fine and an honorable mention in the Team’s list of
stupid acts submitted to the tournament organisers.
A complete thrashing but they are lovely people and
the Hoppers still handed out boxes and boxes of Lindt chocolates.
Given that we had played our scheduled three games
in the space of 3 hours, we had time to eat drink and be merry. Then several of the team headed for shops, Haesley
and Cerys convinced they needed the latest in digital camera’s and Rhiannon
only too pleased to have someone’s money to spend.
Others of us were briefed on Ken’s research and
decided to act on said good advice. And
thus the now infamous “Thumb incident” occurred. Precisely what Steven C Dodgson was doing having a shave with
cheap razors in a massage parlor is a question that National Geographic or even
CSI may never answer. That a certain
amount of skin was removed by a sharp implement appears to be
incontrovertible. The fuss and bother
over the story, the pain, the tears, the medical consequences, the effect on
Steve’s golf swing and beer handling went on for the rest of the weekend. The Cush family found it illogical that such
alleged damage could done, by oneself, to oneself, with a modern, factory-made
safety razor designed to removed stubble, not fingers. The Southwoods found the story mildly
amusing and only Alun wanted details, such as the address of said
establishment. The Thumb was responsible
for many tour moments – like not being able to reach into his bag to get money
for a shout, inability to hit at short corners, lack of direction on free hits
(more later), strange faces and grimaces of pain from time to time, and an
inability to chat up either of the opposite sexes. In the event it was decided by Team vote that stitches would not
be required, although a series of pain numbing drinks were recommended, on
purely medical grounds.
It was roughly around this time that our skipper brought
his touring skills to the fore and managed (a) to throw his contact lenses down
the wash basin while busily trying to dig them out of eyes that were already in
glasses. Some would say it was the
beer, others the quality of the Leighton Hockey Recuperation Therapy; and (b)
disclosed to all at the BBQ that he had acquired a malady previously confined
to nursing mothers and Justin Timberlake’s left hand – nipple rash ! Perhaps it was the extremely cold weather on
the Friday that saw things a little more perky than is normal in Indonesia,
maybe it was just the thrill of having Haesley Cush running down the left wing
yelling “What’s ya number, cucumber ?” to all and sundry. Whatever, it was at least as big a medical
dilemma as ‘the Thumb’ but evoked only catcalls and derisive laughter from an
unfeeling and cruel bunch of drunken misfits.
The tournament BBQ by the pool, a now well
established social event on the Club calendar which ensured that both Club
barmen were available to us (although the usual cook was obviously sick that
night). And with introductions done and
newly made acquaintances sitting near, it was time for the Cucumber Show and we
were regaled at almost auctioneer patter pace of the exploits of said Ray White
auctioneer, including the infamous pick line that earned him his tour
nickname. The better story, and one
which probably made a longer lasting impression on the gathered family members,
involved a banjo playing truck driver heading for Wales and an inability to
walk for several days.
Having done the righty, we then headed for Devils
Advocate in Wanchai, where many of us proceeded to get tongueless (I don’t know
why people say beer works on the legs first), then a trip to Venue seemed
almost pre-ordained. Felicity would
probably have joined us, at least for the spectacle of seeing whether the
‘Cucumber’ line actually worked (just as a spectator), but a chance encounter
with a non-English speaking member of the Team at the entrance changed her mind
and she left for the relative safety of her own bedroom. Ken then continued to talk unintelligibly to
any one with 15 yards until the Beer Scooter pick up arrived (booked in advance
by other Team members). Meanwhile Deny
and Cucumber had found two girls from another planet (well they had never heard
the Cucumber pick up lines before) and they started the normal banter that
girls who have only had three drinks all night usually have with guys that have
had 23. Not surprisingly the success
rate is not a percentage that would look good in print. The night finished for most between 1am and
3am.
Saturday
Game 4 v
Shaheen 6 - 0
Again, first up games are a raffle but with a noon
start there seemed to be enough time for bodies to process alcohol and ISCI
poured forth with great enthusiasm and alacrity. Haesley slotted the first two goals in the opening 5 minutes then
went and sat down, leaving Cat (2 girl goals) to kill off any hopes for Shaheen
(and finish some good work around the pitch by everyone). Little had been said about Deny’s normal warm-up
and warm-down routine but at some stage it was noted that he had smoked no less
than 4 cigarettes before and 5 after each game. It transpired that he had purchased a carton of duty free
Marlboro Lights (normally only sucked on by young girls and gay people) and
felt obliged to finish the box over the weekend. It didn’t seem to slow him down as he saved our arse on many an
occasion with spirited runs from the defence.
It was about mid afternoon, after having put up with
Haesley and Cerys extolling the virtues of their new shamelessly digital, 3
gazillion pixels, semi-problematic, nuclear powered camera’s that we learned
that Cerys had managed to delete most of the photo’s we had all been forced to
pose for during the morning. We are
hoping later efforts (all 478 of them) will one day be downloaded and digitally
sent to all of us. We won’t however be
relying on Cucumber for pictures as he managed to plug in the battery charger
(first charge is really long) and promptly left his room with the room key,
thus ensuring that the first charge took about 36 hours and no Techno-Cush
family photo’s were taken.
Game 5 v
Shanghai 0 – 2 (1
girls goal)
Coming down from the heady heights of the first game
of the day, everyone decided to let everyone else do the hard work (no lack of
yelling, just a lack of running). We
did have countless attacks down the right side with Rhiannon and Cerys
combining well, but with Cerys still unwilling to punish that ‘poor little
white ball’ by actually hitting it, there was a lack of bite in the attack on
the D. The oppo’s lone success coming
at about the half way mark to remove any further thoughts of physical input
into this game from most of the ISCI minds and we suddenly had about 7 people
wanting to sit on the bench.
There was however some very fine acting on display
in this game and early points in the Tournament Award for umpire abuse started
to mount. Whether Denis was indeed
pushed, stick tackled or hard done by, every time a girl skinned him he went
down in a screaming heap, flung his stick 2 yards away and looked for all
intents and purposes like a puppy who had actually pee’d on the carpet but you
just hadn’t found it yet. Actually
Steve did break his hockey stick in this game, although no-one is sure how as
he didn’t actually touch the ball or tackle any of the opposition. With the Cush family’s contribution to this
game firmly entrenched in people’s minds, Cucumber decided to get us back in
the match by attacking a short corner push out. Trouble was he attacked it 2 feet inside the D and was promptly
blown up. Ignorance of the Law is no
excuse young fella !
Game 6 v
NZ 0 - 2
Playing against Kiwi internationals, hockey coaches
and a smattering of phys-ed teachers should have been quite daunting, but
fortified with Heineken and chicken curry the ISCI Machine proceeded to step up
to the plate. We did indeed give them a
torrid time and their only threatening foray into our D in the first 15 minutes
had to draw the best from the current HKFC hockey co-coordinator to score. We did have our chances across the D but
were unable to convert against a pretty talented line-up. Eleni and Rhiannon were absolutely unphased
by the match-up with much more fancied and pedigreed opposition ladies and did
sterling jobs to even the field. The
Kiwi boys eventually got frustrated and decided to take matters into their own
hands, as it were. 1 – 0 would have
been fitting but a last gasp (we suspect the umpires added a few minutes) goal
enabled Lincoln Winston Churchill (I kid you not) to add his second goal –
again a bit of magic that was a little bit above the skill level of most of the
ISCI team.
Tourney Dinner
ISCI tried their best to enliven this fairly staid
affair, with the Hoppers dressed in dark suits and Shanghai dressed like
bird-flu suspects (rooster masks and feather boa’s). The Bir Bintang large yellow hats (resembling pot glasses) were
worn and whilst not immediately accepted as must-have fashion accessories,
admiring glances were made (mostly at Rhiannon’s struggling spaghetti strap
top) and we looked the tour tarts we really are. This position of reverence was acknowledge by the organizers who,
knowing that ISCI were unlikely to obtain any other scrap of memorabilia from
the tournament, presented an award for having attended all five tournaments
since the Mixed 9’s was started. Dodgy
was then honoured as the original tour tart just because he knew pretty much
everyone in the room and has attended more International hockey tournaments
than a dyslexic, left-handed right half really has a right to appear in. Deny picked up a prize for having the
longest name (ask him some time you have a few spare minutes) and downed a
Cointreau as well.
Wearing our colourful and fashionable Bir Bintang hats
(quote Steve Dodgson “They’re chick magnets, leave ‘em on !”) we ventured into
Lan Kwai Fong, to show Cucumber around, apparently. Certainly the girls did look at our silly hats, and some came
over, mostly to point laugh and say “Do you know you really look like a dick in
that hat !”. Stevie threw out some
great lines and did a lot of hard work with girls of all Nationalities, but it
just wasn’t happening for us in LKF, so we headed back to Wanchai. This was in hind sight a special manoeuvre
as it allowed Deny and Q to dance on the bar at Carnegies, still wearing their
Bintang hats, thus scaring away what few ladies in the general area that had
not been subject to the Cucumber lines the night before. The night ended in tears and lonely taxi
rides for most by about 2pm.
But not Steve Dodgson. Milking the ‘sore Thumb’ line to its absolute natural extension
he assailed, incoherently, girls of any nationality, even stooping to trying
Bahasa Indonesia on a couple of Indonesian girls, intimating that they should
go home with him but alas and alack at 4am the Beer Scooter (single seater)
picked him up and miraculously deposited him in a bed, somewhere.
Sunday
Game 7 Plate Semi-final v KCC Dragons 0-1
The ISCI Machine came into this game, conveniently timed
at 11am to accommodate our big night out, with not a little bit of confidence
that silverware was actually there for the taking. That was until we saw the young, fit, lithe, non-alcohol drinking
upstarts wearing the KCC colours. With
Cat electing once again to wear the Hoppers colours (she must be a Chocophile),
young and lovely Katy Mountain donned the ISCI livery, as did Alice Cabrelli
(former ISCI legend back when she was about 13). ISCI did indeed step up the pace and we had many chances with the
best falling to a great cross from Cucumber which Katy angled just past the far
post. We had to push forward for a win
but after a great dash through by Deny, which required three people and
possibly more hockey sticks than that to take the ball from him (a situation
that appeared to go unnoticed by the impartial umpires - although to be fair
their Labradors had been acting up a bit), the oppo scored on the break with a
good reverse stick goal.
With minutes to spare a free hit on about the 10
yard line seemed sure to set up someone for an attempt on goal. The crowd hushed, both of them. Expectations were high as Dodgson, wielding
a new Dita stick (but still nursing ‘the Thumb’ and a really bruised ego)
stepped forward to take the hit. People
ran to provide options, telepathic messages were flying, and a few SMS’s – this
was a last gasp attempt to equalize.
What would he do ? Carpe diem,
as they say, and so he did and stole the moment by pushing the ball at such an
angle and with such wimpy power that it did not actually enter the field of
play. A turnover and the ISCI moment
was lost. Cush Senior decided that
acting really was his forte and a few loud cries of anguish went unrewarded by
umpires who were by now used to his antics.
This pissed off Cush The Elder even more and in the dying minutes he
played the ball onto the foot of an oppo player only to look up and see umpire
Mike Evan’s closely studying his watch (or taking his own pulse, or whatever he
was doing). This elicited a stream of
invective that hardened the hearts of those standing near and saw mothers
clamping hands over children’s ears. It
also elicited the final whistle and ‘the finger’ from Mike. Role model indeed !
With our participation on the field brought to an
abrupt (but oh so timely) end, we settled in to our usual position –
grandstand, backrow, near the esky – and proceeded to heckle anyone still
holding a hockey stick or a whistle.
With so much time to kill copious amounts of alcohol were consumed and
despite attempts to resurrect the evening it expired with a whimper after a
Chinese meal, a couple of Wills old jokes, a few games of pool and a quiet
drink, or in Deny’s case several Marlboro Lights. At one stage he had two lit at once and apparently managed to get
through 7 packets in 4 days. Not bad
for a bloke who “only smokes when he drinks”.
Monday
Game 8 v
Myles 0 - 0
The final appearance of the ISCI Team happened in
Stanley market where a debriefing and team meeting materialized out of
nothing. The lads’ last event
occurred on a ‘pitch’ about the size of a king sized bed, with an ISCI three
taking on Myles Dytor. It was barbeque
implements at three paces and Aussie champers at four. A sumptuous repast, copious liquids and the
boys were in Never Never Land again. At
one stage Stevie attempted to piss in the walk-in wardrobe but was dobbed in by
Ken and resorted to the lesser crime of peeing in the toilet with the seat
down. Deny didn’t get up to much
because Myles had left a Penthouse on the sofa.
Whilst the low level objectives of this tour were
once again well and truly met (we were all over them), there may have been a
few overlooked social faux pas’ during the weekend.
SFP#1 Filling the Southwood family’s youngest member, and our
keeper for half the tournament, full of alcoholic beverages and encouraging a
drinking problem that is already being carefully nourished by two well-meaning
but entirely devious elder sisters (Example – Mum -“Okay you can have one beer,
has he already had one girls ?”, The Devious Sisters - “No mum !” Whilst absolutely correct in that young (14
yo) Alun had not actually finished one beer as yet, he had managed to down half
a pitcher of sangria and a vodka and orange). Two beers later and the room had
started to spin. We are certain that he
slept with one foot on the floor that night.)
SFP#2 Feeding fairly hopeless pick up lines to attractive young
ladies on the cusp of interpersonal adventure.
Example 1 “What’s ya number, cucumber ?”. Okay this line was not actually used in serious battle during the
weekend, but was as oft quoted as “How’s your thumb Steve” and “How’s the
nipple rash Ken” – so you can tell it was quite serious stuff. Example 2 – “Grab your jacket darlin’,
you’ve scored”. Again this line was
apparently only used in discussions about how one might pick up a member of the
opposite sex (or probably more successful if used on an alien species). However, what psychologically disturbing
images these and other such demonstrations of Aussie male machismo may have had
on the impressionable minds of the younger members of the ISCI Team will only
be fully understood from police reports and social services referrals in the
future. Certainly if young Al, or
indeed old Dave, try these lines and have anywhere near the success rate of the
Three Amigo’s (Cucumber, Stevie and Deny) there may be some serious
repercussions for the unsuspecting female race.
SFP#3 The previously rare glimpses of the acting ability and subsequent
umpire abuse emanating from one of our parenting role models in what was
supposed to be a friendly, mixed, social hockey tournament held over a
particularly religious weekend will probably mean ‘heaven’ is out of the
question for at least one ISCI player.
Italian soccer players go down with less Oscar-winning theatricals and
certainly less flair. The follow-up
glare at the offending umpire (and the one at the other end if that got no
response) and the ensuing torrent of verbal diarrhea delivered with venom and
spittle through an ill-fitting mouth guard was all put down to ‘white line
fever’ by an obviously distressed spouse trying to hide behind any hockey stick
or blade of grass.
SFP#4 Knowing that ISCI are usually desperate for players Dave organized,
nay, ‘cajoled’ a friend, Ian, into coming down with kit to play for ISCI. After watching two games and not getting one
second on the pitch, his ISCI shirt was returned and he stormed off not to be
seen again for the entire weekend. He
is probably the President of the Asian Hockey Association or somesuch. We have asked Dave to apologise.
SFP#5 Trying to chat up 3 Korean ladies on holiday in Hong Kong, in
the middle of Lan Kwai Fong, while wearing a large Bir Bintang hat (with
handle), throwing in a smattering of Bahasa Indonesia to demonstrate ones
worldliness. The best lines were
employed – and quickly ignored. The
most recently successful banter was brought out – and dismissed with imperious
stares. Youthful enthusiasm for all
things Asian was demonstrated – and quickly shot down in a moth-like death
spiral that saw Stevie’s ego and tender emotions battered and bruised. East-West relations have not been improved
by this encounter.
Team list :
Single family representatives : Ken Allan, Steve ‘Dodgy’ Dodgson, Deny
Fahruddin bin Haji Mohamad Arsyad, Eleni Stenzel, Katy Mountain, Cathrine ‘Cat’
Lenon, Alice Cabrelli, Frederika
Multiple family members : Denis Cush, Haesley
‘Cucumber’ Cush, Andrea Cush (manager); David Southwood, Alun Southwood,
Rhiannon Southwood, Cerys Southwood, Jocelyn Southwood (cheer squad), Victoria
Southwood (coloured-hair cameo).
Many thanks to the HKFC for another good
tourney. And to all who made the effort
to travel to Hong Kong. Once again huge
“ta muchly’s” to the ladies who helped us out.
But a big thank you to the Southwood family who committed themselves to
the greater glory of ISCI for the entire weekend and allowed us to be part of
their family for a few days. They did
get an award for having the most family members playing on one team, although
we suspect Eleni and Alice “Southwood” may have some questions about David’s
wayward youth.
Photo’s will be attached or will follow. Comments, banter, additions and/or
refutations of the characters assassinated above will be received and
completely ignored (until next year’s team selection).